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Spring cleaning the mind

I have been obsessively cleaning, cleaning like I am moving out of this house cleaning. I don't know if it is prolonged nesting, really thorough Spring cleaning, the fact that it's February and flu season and I don't want to take my little guys out and about and am pretty much confined to home.

My goal is to have cleaned and organized  every cabinet, drawer and closet by my family's large garage sale this Spring. I like mentally picturing a map of our nearly 2,200 square ft house with all these checkmarks all over. When people think being at home all day is boring, I think to myself I could never be bored here. I have a laundry list of DIY projects that could keep me busy for an eternity. I know I have said it before, but things got a little out of control around here or at least out of my comfort zone between coping with 2 miscarriages and getting pregnant with my first son and when I left my job to be a Stay at Home Mom a year and a half later.  Don't get me wrong people would have came to our home in that time period and thought it looked nice, but things were piling up on me. Our basement and garage had become the "just put it there and I will get to it later" places. Papers weren't being filed or shredded and junk drawers were multiplying. Things just weren't up to my standards. Man, being a working mom is so tough. There are moments I miss being dressed up for work, having a brainstorming session in a conference room, adult conversations, a calm quiet lunch, but I do not miss the chaos. I have some form of daily chaos at home each day, but I literally could not relax for the year and a half I was a working mom. I couldn't keep up in all areas. I wasn't taking great care of myself. I felt like my husband wasn't getting any attention, my job was no longer a main priority (my son was) and any free moment I wasn't working I was desperately trying to soak in time with the little boy I so desperately prayed for. I can't truly put into words how it felt, to feel as if I wasn't doing the quality job I wanted any aspect of my life. Today I read a friend's Facebook status where she said she really wished she could be a Stay at Home Mom. It broke my heart for her. It is an experience not all of us get the opportunity to have, and on the other coin it isn't for everyone. Not to mention there becomes a divide between working moms and Stay at Home Moms. I underestimated how big it was. When I talked to my doctor when I was struggling returning from maternity leave she recalled her own difficulties. She said she found it best to surround herself with other working moms if for no other reason than that she was jealous of the Stay at Home Moms. It isn't even just the working vs "not working" (trust me us SAHM are working) but the has kids vs the doesn't have kids. Between all of this I have felt female friendships dwindling and let's face it girlfriends can be hard to find.

I never adjusted to leaving my oldest after returning to work. People kept saying I would get into a routine and it would get easier. I would cry during my Monday morning commutes. I wouldn't work out after work because I only had 2 hrs each night with him after picking him up at the sitter and putting him down for bed and by golly I couldn't sacrifice that time. Cleaning felt like a misuse of time, as did nights out with girlfriends or any function that took me away from him. I told my sitter not to contact me with pictures or antidotes during the work day because frankly I was struggling and it made it that much harder for me. It was all around rough and never got easier.

Life is very different now. Time is still moving way too fast. Our youngest is already 6 weeks old and I have begun packing up some of the newborn clothes, but I have an inner calm knowing that I am present this time around. I am soaking in every moment I can with these 2 blessings I still can't believe our ours. There will always be projects, but this week I am enjoying gazing upon drawer organizers and labeled boxes. :)

Purging is so therapeutic. It is good for the soul. I like knowing exactly where everything is at any given moment, daunting for a family of 4, but I am getting there. We let our belongings overwhelm us, run our lives sometimes. When I was younger I think having stuff felt like a status symbol. Look how many pairs of shoes I have! I have 3 closets full of clothes, I have a collection of this and that. Now in my mid thirties that just stresses me out. Less stuff or at the very least organized stuff gives me mental peace.

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